personal news/ update

Thursday, February 23, 2012

personal news/ update

So recently I went out to do some errands. I was wearing bdu pants, boots, and a nice top, all in black, with my chelsea haircut. While on the bus, it occurred to me that when people look at me they will see either a tr***y or a fucking neonazi. Maybe both. It’s pretty clear that I ought to rethink my presentation.

A voice I like to call the white devil’s advocate says “Wait! The chelsea is not necessarily racist! There’s SHARPs and there’s antifa and there’s the non-racist meanings and and and…” And that’s bullshit, because how I present is indistinguishable from fascist fashion to the casual observer.

On the bus, on the sidewalk, anywhere in public, people have to judge me, and when they do, they have to assume the worst. This is basic survival shit.

I’ve caught people staring at me in fear. And yeah, maybe that’s because I’m trans. But it’s a whole lot more likely that it’s because I’m white and presenting the way I am. And I’m fucking embarrassed that it took me getting hit with a clue by four to figure that out, but real glad it (finally) happened.

I know that I’m good at instilling fear. This is a trait I cultivated in my disease and in a former occupation, because it was useful to me at the time. Presenting in an intimidating way gives me a sense of security, but that comes at the cost of threatening everyone around me. I cannot pretend that maintaining this behavior is ok. So I am setting out to change it.

I’m growing out my chelsea. I’m not sure what hairstyle I’m going to try next. Perhaps something choppy and short, kind of a pixie-ish look? I’m currently looking around for inspiration. I’m also changing my basic fashion. Less black, less bdu pants. Boots only with skirts. More glitter. It’s easy to be bad as fuck while looking like a goddamn special forces asshole; let’s see if I can pull off being just as bad wearing my pink fishnet tights.

Regarding my tattoo? Honestly? I don’t know. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and will continue to do so. I honestly appreciate very much all of the feedback I’ve received from everyone here. Thank you for your input and for sharing your different points of view.